I had spent the day, once more in "The Oasis" as I decided to call it. I wrote a ton in my Journal, relaxed in the shade and took a short swim just for the sake of it . . . and relieving my boredom. I was anxious, though I did my best at first not to admit it to myself and tried to enjoy myself like I had the day before. Finally I succumbed. I felt I had to go back and talk to Zac, but I was afraid to. I wasn't scared of how he could hurt me physically. Oh no that wasn't it. I was scared of how he might hurt me emotionally. More than he already had. I was just plain scared. Scared out of my wits. I didn't know how to face him, what to say, what to do.

I wanted to call Alyssa on the phone for her support and advice. I needed her guiding presence. The comfort she could give me. But I obviously coudn't do that or get the comfort I needed.

I felt like I was 12 again and dealing with a guy in my class I had a crush on. But I wasn't 12. I wasn't dealing with a guy in my class. It wasn't just a crush.

I didn't know what to do, so I stalled. And spent my time in the Oasis when half of my brain told me I should move my scaredy cat ass out there to the cave and talk to Zac. Still, I stayed. I stayed until I could take no more of my stomach growling it's angry protests at me. When all else fails, turn your attention to your stomach and somehow everything will work out. Well, at least it distracts you enough to make you THINK everything MIGHT work out. Just a little tip.

So, using my excuse to go out and get some food, I made my way out of the Oasis, making sure the big leaf frond sufficiently covered the entrance. By that time it was amazingly late in the afternoon. I had whiled away at the hours while in the Oasis, though to me, it had seemed much much much longer than it actually was. I felt like I had spent a day or two holed up in the beauty of my hide-away. Howerver it also felt like I hadn't been in there long enough, at all.

As I crept up to the cave I spied Soulfire and decided to pay her a visit. I had plucked yet another apple, but when considering the state of my stomach I decided the sugary tartness of the apple would not be a good idea. So I offered the apple to Soulfire and she took it gladly. I stroked her for a while while she chewed and then, on a whim I vaulted to her back. I then lay down on her putting my arms around her neck and just reveled in her familiar horsy comfort. As I lay astraddle her, doing my best to gather strength and courage, she began to move. Because she was a horse and known to do such, it didn't startle me and I let her take me where she willed.

Suddenly she stopped and nickered softly, an action which jostled her whole body and me because I was on it. I then sat up and looked to see where Soulfire had taken me. I was surprised to find myself directly in front of the cave entrance. I slid off Soulfire's back and stood in front of her and looked into her eyes. Sure enough, her strong will, intelligence and fiery spirit looked back out at me as did a softness and an understanding the two of us shared. The SoulFire burned strong in her and I realized that it did in me too. I could handle whatever was to happen.

I reached over and gave Soulfire a huge hug. As I did so a strange thought occurred to me. Maybe somehow Soulfire was guiding me, showing me the right path in some ways. She shared the same fate and maybe more of a knowledge of it. But that was a bizarre thought and I shook off the feeling. Little did I know, that brief intuition was much closer to the truth than I had thought.

I then turned away from Soulfire, straightened my shoulders and walked with head held high into the cave that's resident would determine my fate.

I entered and looked around the room once before I finally tuned my gaze to the bed. There lay Zac, seemingly fast asleep. I was amazed that he was still there. I had thought that for sure he would have woken up long ago. I realized then exactly how much he must have worn himself out looking for me. I was flattered.

With some worry at his obvious exhaustion I hurried over to the bed and knelt beside him to feel his forehead. I was relieved when it's temperature turned out to be relatively normal. I removed my hand and just kind of flopped down next to him crossed-legged. I had been ready for a confrontation and so I was on the downward swoop of the adrenaline rush I had been manifesting. I was relieved and disappointed at the same time that we had not met face to face yet, both conscious at the same time that is. I wanted to talk to him, resolve things and get it over with, but I was still scared shit-less and dreading it horrendously. I was sad and hurt about what he had done, and feeling very depressed and miserable. At the same time I was happy that he cared enough to come looking for me and spent the last reserves of his strength to do so. Conflicting emotions. I hate them, but they are regretfully included in the definition of Life.

I sat there, relaxed with my head in my hands, eyes closed and me on the verge of tears though none manifested. Unbeknown to me, Zac's eyes fluttered open. Groggily he saw me sitting there. With a tentative hand and a tender look he reached out and touched my knee.

With a gasp I jerked my head up and looked at him, blinking away my un-fallen tears.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, not too loudly, but loud enough for him to definitely hear me. I sure as hell was not expecting him to wake up. Shows my wonderful common sense.

"Thanks. I love you too." He said that in kind of a hurt, bitter tone. When he said that I looked straight at him. God how I wanted to hear those words, I realized, only in another context and with another meaning. I was also sorry. I was still kind of pissed off at him, but I was sorry.

"No . . . it's just that I wasn't . . . well I wasn't expecting you to wake up."

"Oh. Right." He sat up and wiped his eyes. Then stretched. "What time is it?"

"Late afternoon. Maybe 4/5ish."

"Geez. I slept a long time."

"Yeah . . ." I trailed off. I was decidedly uncomfortable. Zac felt it too, I could tell, and it acted in the mirror effect. Each time it went back and forth between us, it increased the tension as we realized it did.

"I'm sorry"

I wanted to look up at him as he said that but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

He continued. "I . . . I don't even know why I did all that. Maybe it had something to do with all the stuff back home. Maybe just having a good time. I don't know. It was, well once I started I just couldn't seem to stop. The guys accepted me for who I was and that was a great feeling to actually have some friend and be away from . . . that. As we grew apart that just made it worse. I didn't want to see that we weren't as close. I didn't want to see what I was doing. That it was my fault. So I drank more. I just let myself fall into a dark oblivion, and it seemed to work. I was stupid. I guess it didn't really hit me until you left. I didn't . . . I DON'T want to lose you Melli. You are everything to me here. You are all I have left. I was so stupid for not seeing that, for not realizing it. I hate being so blind. I hate myself for blinding myself." He gushed. He gushed and just got it all out, as best he could.

I couldn't help myself and I moved to his side and embraced him warmly, desperately. While in his arms I whispered. "I forgive you . . . try and forgive yourself." At that he just hugged me back tighter. We sat that way for a while, content just to be together.